What do you think could have been better?
(I am not defending, I am really asking, I am very interested in literature, but only feel competent in my mothertongue)
Well I'll drop the whole issue of typo's and grammatical error's for this one, considering it's clearly not a proffesional story or it would have been published.
The story begins very blatently and has absolutely no buildup at all. On top of that, the story starts out as if he's actually going to tell a story, not a series of events that are in chronological order. This is, however, a very good sign that this might actually be a real story.
The second thing I noticed, the sentence structure is very short and choppy, there is no real flow to the words. Every time your eyes see a period, it ends a thought in your brain, meaning that rather than a full scene being painted in your head, you are seeing bits and pieces of the big picture in short bursts. This is a somewhat hard concept to grasp for some, and is the downfall of many students in literature classes. Again, this also adds a sense that this may be a real story, but not by very much.
The story appears to be just a bunch of jumbled up thoughts, however I can't deny that it retains it's chronological order. Because of this, it would appear that the intended audience is actually the author himself. I've done this numerous times, especailly when I'm feeling particularily depressed. I would write down what had happened to make me feel so sad in a story-like form, it's great stress relief, for me at least.
The content of this story is very minimal, keeping strictly to the most necessary details. This may be one of 3 things: the story was intended for social networks and thus details were omitted to keep it short; the story was meant to be easy to read, so that everyone may enjoy it (or cry about it in this case); or that it was written without any particular consideration for detail. If it were the last one, it would be a very terrible mistake to make if it were truly written for entertainment purposes.
The story, whether it was real or not, was inteded to be an allegory (a story that teaches a lesson). While it effectively makes its point to all audiences, the method of which the "moral of the story" was reached was somewhat sloppy. This may require a bit of detail added, but with the proper wording the story could have made a major impact on the reader, rather than a "That was sad, consider my lesson learned."
These are just some of the things a professional would point out. In reality, a professional would probably look at the first line and toss it. Fill in the details and fix those choppy senteces, you might actually get the professional to read it. I'm no professional myself, but I know my way around the English language.
